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Revenge of the Sith in 167 lines

Okay, this isn’t mine, but it’s a forward I got on a mailing list. It’s brilliant.
OPENING SCROLL: Two years have passed since the last movie. Things suck for the Jedi. Our beloved demigod Mr. George Lucas, henceforth known only as George, has realized that he now has only one last chance to redeem himself for Jar Jar Binks and “I truly, deeply love you.” HERE WE GO.
ANAKIN: What would be a movie without me flying around?
LITTLE DRILLING BOTS: Mwahaha.
OBI-WAN: Well, shit.
R2D2: Dude I love CG effects. Look at all teh uber cool things I can do that I won’t be able to in Episodes IV-VI.
ANAKIN: Hehe Episode I flashback. Hanger away!
Inside the hanger, ANAKIN and OBI-WAN kick droid butt. The ELEVATOR gives them trouble. ANAKIN drops behind OBI-WAN. OBI-WAN whirls and ignites his lightsaber.
GEORGE: W00T would you LOOK at that foreshadowing? I am SO good.
DOOKU: I will own your sorry Jedi butts like I owned you back in Episode II. Remember? I owned your sorry Jedi butts!
ANAKIN: Nut-uh, because I’m TWICE as strong now.
ANAKIN and OBI-WAN and DOOKU fight.
ANAKIN: How symbolic is this? I’m twice as strong, and now I keel you with twice the saber!
DOOKU: Ummm, master? Sort of, kind of, you know, DYING here?!
PALPATINE: Yup.
DOOKU: omg!betrayed *dies*
AUDIENCE: …..wtf? Bad boy villian gone in the first five minutes? How can a stupid coughing droid compare?! WOE.
————-
PADME: I LOVE YOU.
ANAKIN: I LOVE YOU.
PADME: K, now that we’ve established that, let’s move on before we get accused of cheesy dialogue again.
ANAKIN: You are so beautiful because I’m in love with you! Out there, every second I was thinking of you. Protecting the Outer Rim became a torture. The longing became UNBEARABLE. I’ve never been so happy as I am at this moment. Like back on Naboo, when there was nothing but our love…
PADME: DAMN IT, ANAKIN. There goes the Oscar for Best Screenplay. Oh and I’m pregnant.
MEMBERS OF THE AUDIENCE WHO HAVE SEEN THE TRILOGY: OMG! Luke and Leia! THAT’S LUKE AND LEIA!
————-
PALPATINE: I put thee on the Jedi Council.
ANAKIN: Whoohoo!
MACE WINDU: Anakin, we don’t trust the Senate, we don’t trust the Chancellor, and we don’t trust you.
ANAKIN: *sulk*
MACE WINDU: So you’re on the Council, but you’re not a master.
ANAKIN: *sulk*
OBI-WAN: And you’re really on the “Council” to spy on the “Chancellor.”
ANAKIN: This. Is. So. Frickin’. UNFAIR.
OBI-WAN: You’ve said that before.
ANAKIN: *sulk* Oh yeah, and Obi-Wan? You’re a kickass sort of guy. My buddy. Now say nice things back to me so my turning will be all the sadder.
OBI-WAN: I am very proud of you.
ANAKIN: That’ll do. Bye!
————
PALPATINE: They sent you to spy on me, didn’t they?
ANAKIN: Um.
PALPATINE: The Jedi are teh suck.
ANAKIN: Maybe?
PALPATINE: I sense the fear in you. Listen to this sob!story of the Sith that, were I a respectable Chancellor, I probably wouldn’t know. You know, with the Sith and their uber secrecy and all.
ANAKIN: Mmhmm interesting.
PALPATINE: I know things about the Force. The *dark* side of the Force.
ANAKIN: How I still haven’t guessed you’re a Sith Lord is beyond me.
AUDIENCE: Us too.
PALPATINE: LIKE, UUSSEEEE THE DAAAARRRRKKKK SIIIIIDDEEEE, Anakin!
SOUNDTRACK: OMINIOUS! like whoa.
ANAKIN: *blinks*
PALPATINE: OKAY. You Jedi are frickin’ dense. Me = Sith Master. You = my next apprentice if you want your wife to live. Saavy???
ANAKIN, MASTER OF MISSING THE OBVIOUS: ..@)%!!!
————–
YODA: Go to Kashyyyk and Wookies, help I will.
MACE WINDU: Um why?
YODA: Worship us, trilogy lovers will. Huggable young!Chewie, save prequels, will.
MACE WINDU: Score.
————–
OBI-WAN: Where’s General Grievous?
TION MEDON: Up there. With craploads of battle droids.
OBI-WAN: *meets General Grievous and craploads of battle droids*
GRIEVOUS: WHOO! FOUR – COUNT ‘EM – FOUR LIGHTSABERS.
OBI-WAN: Pffffttt.
GRIEVOUS and OBI-WAN fight. OBI-WAN, after having been pitifully knocked out in the first ten seconds with Dooku, finally starts getting his Jedi on.
GRIEVOUS: *dies*
OBI-WAN: I DA MAN.
———–
ANAKIN: Hey Mace, bad news. Palpatine’s a Sith.
MACE WINDU: Is not.
ANAKIN: Is too.
MACE WINDU: Is not.
ANAKIN: Is too!
MACE WINDU: IS NOT.
ANAKIN: IS OMGWTF TOO!
PALPATINE: I am a Sith.
MACE WINDU: Meh. Guess he is.
EXTRAS WITH MACE WINDU: *cut down in milliseconds*
MACE WINDU: You guys seriously SUCK.
EXTRAS WITH MACE WINDU: We sorta slept during choreographing practice. Sorry.
PALPATINE: *does the lightning thing*
MACE WINDU: YOUR PUNY LIGHTNING DOES NOT FRIGHTEN ME.
PALPATINE: *does the I’m helpless thing*
MACE WINDU: ANAKIN, do NOT, NOT, NOT fall for it.
ANAKIN: *falls for it*
MACE WINDU: DAMMNNIIIiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittttttttttttttttt. *dies*
ANAKIN: Crap. Oh crap. I should not have done that. I SHOULD NOT have done that!
PALPATINE: So, join the Dark Side?
ANAKIN: *getting over Mace’s death rather quickly* Fine. I pledge my life to you, my master. I will do anything you command. I will be LORD VADER.
AUDIENCE: ……that’s it? That’s IT?
GEORGE: Um, yeah.
———–
PALPATINE: Do the 66 thing.
GEORGE: Oh the symbolism! Academy, are you paying attention?
CLONES: *do the 66 thing*
SOUNDTRACK: WOE! WOE! WOE!
ANAKIN: *slaughters*
SOUNDTRACK: WOE! WOE! OMGWTF WOE!
WILLIAMS: I am SO going for the Oscar.
————
PALPATINE: SO. We shall strip all you of all your Senatorial power, rebuild this “Republic” in the form of a dictatorship, eliminate all freedom, and probably kill all of you for good measure.
SENATORS: HUZZUH! HUZZUH!
PADME: Oh good grief. It’s a room full of George Bush’s.
————
OBI-WAN: Who slaughtered all these children?
YODA: Um.
AUDIENCE: -_- These Jedi really are dense.
OBI-WAN: NO. NO. He’s like my BROTHER, okay? I CANNOT kill him. Do not ask me to kill him! I can’t! I won’t! I BLOODY WON’T.
YODA: Done, are you?
OBI-WAN: …
YODA: Kill him, you must.
OBI-WAN: Screw you.
————–
OBI-WAN sneaks onboard a ship. PADME, OBI-WAN, and R2 arrive at the Flaming Planet.
ANAKIN: Padme! The love of my life! My passion, my fruit – !
PADME: *noticing the eyes of glaring EVIL* Did you get contacts?
ANAKIN: No…?
PADME: *gasp* So you ARE a Sith!
ANAKIN: No, I’m not. Really I’m not. Well, okay, maybe I am. But look, I did all this to protect you. I LOVE YOU. I thought we’d established that! See, THIS is why we need more corny lines!
OBI-WAN: *chooses the most inopportune moment to appear in the doorway*
ANAKIN: OMG! You’ve been cheating on me!
PADME: Huh?
ANAKIN: *does the choking thing*
OBI-WAN: You need to see a relationship counselor, mate.
————-
SIDIOUS: You are no match for me.
YODA: Think not, I.
SIDIOUS and YODA fight. YODA, despite outward appearances to the contrary, actually has decently proportioned legs. AVALON’S HEAD was not in the gutter when she wrote that. YODA loses his lightsaber. Some cool Force action occurs. YODA falls several hundred feet. SIDIOUS searches for him to no avail. YODA crawls through some pipes and conveniently finds a hole where BAIL ORGANA is waiting with an ESCAPE VESSEL.
YODA: Meh, into exile, I now go.
BAIL: Why now?
YODA: Two hours into movie, are we, and not at Dagobah yet, am I. To chop chop, need I.
———–
ANAKIN: Look, despite the black cloak, the red-orange eyes, and the slaughter, I’m really NOT evil. I’m protecting the Empire.
OBI-WAN: You mean the Republic?
ANAKIN: ….sure. That.
OBI-WAN: Now I KNOW you’re evil.
ANAKIN: Then let us whip off the cloaks and fight!
OBI-WAN: Why are we even wearing these cloaks? You do realize I’ve taken this thing off about fifty times in this movie, right?
SIDIOUS: And I’ve put ON a cloak.
GEORGE: I wonder if there’s some symbolism here…
HIGH SCHOOL AND COLLEGE STUDENTS: Oh we could probably BS something.
———–
ANAKIN and OBI-WAN are fighting. The TOWER decides to fall.
OBI-WAN: ANAKIN, could we PLEASE finish this some other time?
ANAKIN: SHE. IS. MINE.
OBI-WAN: Fine, whatever. You’re the one who is supposed to fall anyway. Haven’t you seen how scarred you are in Episode VI?
ANAKIN: SHE. IS. MINE.
ANAKIN and OBI-WAN fight while surfing on lava.
OBI-WAN: I have the higher ground now.
GEORGE: OMG the symbolism! Higher ground physically and morally! OMG!
ANAKIN: *gets legs chopped off* Argh.
OBI-WAN: Give up.
ANAKIN: Just a flesh wound.
OBI-WAN: YOU WERE THE CHOSEN ONE.
ANAKIN: *goes up in flames*
GEORGE: The SYMBOLISM! The SYMBOLISM!
OBI-WAN: You stupid, stupid idiot! You were supposed to, like, DESTROY the Sith.
YODA: Read the prophecy wrong, we may have.
OBI-WAN: YOU THINK?
—————-
SIDIOUS: Wow our ship made good time.
VADER: *in artificial body*
SIDIOUS: You are teh powerful now. Teh 1337. Oh and btw, you killed your wife.
VADER: I didn’t! Unless I did. In which case, RAAAAWWWWWRRRRRRR.
SOUNDTRACK: WOE! WOE! WOE!
AUDIENCE: Oh MAN. This movie *almost* wasn’t terribly corny.
————-
DOCTOR: Twins!
OBI-WAN: Twins!
YODA: Twins!
AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHO HAVE SEEN THE TRILOGY: See? SEE! IT’S LUKE AND LEIA!
PADME: Luke.
BABY: Whhaaaaa!
PADME: Leia.
AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHO HAVE SEEN THE TRILOGY: *gloat*
PADME: *dies of heartbreak from her husband becoming a Sith*
AUDIENCE MEMBERS: What a way to ruin a happy moment.
GEORGE: LOOK AT THAT ALLUSION. Appointment in Samarra anyone? Academy? Did you catch that?
BAIL: We’ll take Leia. Luke will probably become as whiny and prone to the dark side as his father.
YODA: Oh, Obi-Wan, Qui-Gon’s also figured out a way to commune with us although he’s dead.
OBI-WAN: Score!
AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHO LIKED QUI-GON: Yay! We can see Qui-Gon again!
BAIL: Hun, I’ve brought home a baby girl!
OBI-WAN: And here’s a baby boy for you two!
OWEN: Do we KNOW you?
OBI-WAN: No. Does that matter? Oh wait, man, go back to that pose! That’s EXACTLY how Luke will stand some twenty years from now.
GEORGE: I have such m4d sk1llz! And I think we’ll leave it there.
THE END.
AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHO LIKED QUI-GON: What? Where did Qui-Gon go?! WHY EVEN MENTION HIM IF LIAM NEESON WOULDN’T BE MAKING A CAMEO?
AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHO GREW UP WITH STAR WARS: *sob* End of an Era!

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