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Vague Hints of Depression

26 January 2005

I’m not sure what it is, but I feel like I’m on the fringe of depression. It’s either depression, or it’s breakthrough. I’m not sure which. I’ve been withdrawn and introspective and I’ve also been centered and grounded, but tonight, for some reason, I feel a sadness. Earlier tonight Julie and I had a rough interaction, and that brought up a lot of things for me, like I haven’t been feeling very intimate lately, and I feel somehow distanced from my own life. I have a little baby coming in about a month, and maybe that’s making me dig inward. I have all this crap that is floating around me, all these obligations, and so much left unfinished. I’m feeling like I need to put this house in order, but I’m unable to reach out and get help. I’m feeling kinda alone in a strange way, but I also can see how I’m feeling at the same time, and I feel myself moving through it. Mostly, I think I’m afraid and I’m in need of connecting with Julie, but I’m having a hard time articulating it, or letting myself move into that space. My issues have always been with intimacy, and my defense mechanism is to shut off. So my fear makes me cold, distanced, some sort of efficiency machine. And of course, this is when Julie needs me the most. But admitting it is the first step, I suppose. In a sense, the depression I am starting to feel is a good sign — it means my emotional capacity is starting to reconnect. Tomorrow is a new day. I’ll make the most of it.

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