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work is hard

I am frustrated with work right now. For the last few weeks, but really for the last few months I’ve felt totally over my head. I’m working in an environment of classes and frameworks and products and platforms that I just don’t fully understand. I’ve barely got a handle on it all, and I’ve been working on the same goddamn bug for 2 or 3 weeks. Basically, I feel like a joke, and it’s only because I lack the experience to properly be effective in this environment. I know logically what needs to happen, but we’re writing in frameworks whose logic eludes me. I’m like a child that can hold an adult’s hand and watch the adult do things, but as soon as the adult goes away, I’m at a loss for how to do anything myself.
I know, it’s all dire and doom, but the truth is — I’m drowning. We have a demo in mid-February to make, and I’m seriously questioning whether or not we’re gonna make it. I thought we’d be so much farther along than we are, and tomorrow we’re gonna have a developer team meeting that’s going to put my weakness out for the world to see. When I’m the only developer working on the project, the project doesn’t advance. I just don’t have the knowledge to work by myself. I need lots of hand-holding, and there’s no time for me to come up to speed. I’m really good at direction action, and figuring out the higher-level design issues, but really — the code is a complete mystery. If things were in a more familiar language, I’d know exactly what to do — and that’s what’s so frustrating to me. The code looks overly complex to me, and highly inefficient, and it’s mostly because I don’t understand a single thing of what’s going on. The main developer that created most of the code and frameworks is a undeniable genius. Unfortunately, he’s gone in Hong Kong, and has been for weeks. The other excellent programmer who knows this stuff like 10 times better than I do (yes, you do D’Arcy) has been swamped with other pressing concerns. That’s pretty much left me to fend for myself, and it hasn’t been pretty. I literally spend hours staring at the screen, unable to move forward, not even knowing where to start.
It sucks.

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