Monthly Archives: January 2005

I just had a realization this evening that made me really excited, and of course I’m probably setting myself up for a major fall, but… I get to do Boy Scouts with my two boys, and I can run them through D&D adventures. Some day, if I’m still cool enough, my boys and I are gonna do cool guy things together. Stuff that I enjoy, stuff that I know kids their age enjoy because… I did them, and I still do them. One day, if I’m lucky, I’ll have my kids look to me, smile and tell me that I’m ’so cool!’. I live for that day. Already Eli and I have our own private stuff, our ‘burp games’, our own adventures. Adding Isaac to the mix is going to just drive the energy through the roof. Of course, I’m going to have to wait until the kids get to a certain age until they’re both in ‘the zone’ — probably when they get to be 5 and 9, through 8 and 12. At that point, I figure I’m pretty close to losing Eli to his teen friends, and I will be delegated to the category of uncool. I consider myself fortunate if I make it even that far. But for a few golden years in there, I’m going to be the king of cool. The Master of fun. And I’m going to milk every single moment of it.
On a side note — look! A whole month of blog entries! I know, I cheated a few days there, but there is an entry for every single day, even if I was 8 hours late a few times. check it out! Now only 11 more months to go, and I’ve made it the whole year. I have to say, this has been an excellent exercise for me. Yay me!

Tonight I was out late filling up my tank on my car and I saw a family out with their young boy, maybe about 3 or 4 years old — same approximate age as Eli. It was 11 at night, and way later than I would keep Eli up or out if I had a choice, but at the same time, I really feel jealous. It made me think of the Talking Heads song, “Up All Night”. I really do love Eli so much that it hurts, and there are times that I allow my mind to wander into the place that all parents know, but none of us like to talk about. It’s that place of utter vulnerability, when you think of the fact that your child could get hurt, at any time, and you are completely and utterly helpless to prevent the possibility. They could get hit by a car, or kidnapped, or burnt, or one of many various possible painful things, and the image of that just paralyzes you and makes you want to hold your child and protect them from the entire world. Of course, you can’t protect them from the world — the world happens all around them, all the time and will for the rest of their lives. Nonetheless, you just get so scared, and you have to shove the thought out of your head. In about 5 weeks to the day, I’m going to double the chances of one of my kids being hurt. I’m going to be 100% more vulnerable, and 50% less capable of stopping something catastrophic from happening. I know that I’m going to love my boy, Isaac, and he’s going to light my life up in ways familiar and entirely new. I can’t wait to meet him and get to know him in the ways I’m getting to know Eli. I can’t wait to see how similar he is to his big brother, and yet how completely different. I am scared about his birth, and his first weeks and months. I am frightened about all the things that might go wrong, and the things I can’t prevent. And yet, I am courageously entering into that space of parenthood and accepting the challenge to live in a place of uncertainty and vulnerability; to wear my heart on the outside of my chest. I know the experience is part of maturing and becoming wiser, but I do it not for the possibility of personal growth. I do it because I don’t even know Isaac yet, but I already love him, and love is a force that you cannot compromise. I am compelled into the space of danger and uncertainty and I dive headlong into that realm with a smile on my face.

Tonight Julie and I went out to a play in Mill Valley called ‘Fortune’ that was a simple 2-hour, 2-act, 2-performer play that was funny, engaging and emotionally touching. I keep forgetting how much I really love going out to the theater, and yet I just don’t seem to make it a priority in my life. Other than seeing Mark recently in ‘The Princess Bride’, I haven’t seen any live theater in several years. There’s something viceral and magical about the interchange between stage actor and audience, and the fact that a stage performance is different every single time it’s performed, with no second takes or time-outs. I hope to someday (after Isaac is old enough) to incorporate theater into our regular schedule. I find the experience is quite nourishing to the creative self.

Last night (I’m dating this back to yesterday) I spontaneously went to hang out with a friend from like 11pm until 4:30am, looking over astrological charts. I had my chart done a few years back on a lark, and the information is uncannily accurate in many ways. Whether you believe the reasons are planetary influences, social influence, or blink luck plus a bit of self-convincing, the general affect is the same — introspection. Astrology provides a common language for discussing issues psychological. It’s just like color personality theory, meiers-briggs, or Jungian analysis — it allows you to talk about who you are in some articulate fashion.
I’m not going to bore you all with what my chart says or what the stars are supposed to manifest in my personality, but what is interesting to me is this impulse to know who I am, and its auspicious timing. I feel like issues of identity are up for me right now, with the appearance of another kid on the horizon, and also because in a few weeks I’m going to go to Banning (a place in Palm Desert) on a long car ride with my dad to meet my great aunt Norma — the oldest living Archer, and a keeper of knowledge of my family history. I don’t know very much at all about the Archer side of the family — I never met my grandfather, because he was a bit of a bastard and left my dad’s family when my dad was relatively young — in high school or just after graduation. Grampa Don (I think his name was Donald) left my grandmother to raise a family of six on her own, met some woman and told her that his family had died in a car accident. Some years later, when she found out the truth, she forbade him to see the family of his past. Anyhow, he was a bit of a shit and never bothered to reach out to my dad until the very end when he was dying of cancer. His children went to see him die, and try to comfort him. I had an opportunity to meet him then, but I truthfully had no interest. I’ve had a hole in my knowledge about my father’s side of the family which has plagued me since I was young, and in truth I’ve had a hole in my desire to know as well. My dad has told me all sorts of things about my family; who I’m related to, what they did, etc. I never bothered to listen very carefully. My sister knows more than I do. I turns out, I’m 1/8th Dutch. Didn’t even know it. No wonder I know how to party!
So, this is a month of introspection and self-exploration. Who am I, as man, son, and father. What is my place in the chain of my descendency. It should be a healing trip, not only for me, but for my dad. He’s been trying to get me to go for over a year, and I think it’s because he has a need for my reintegration into the family story. I’ve been removed from that story, self-imposed exile. Perhaps now the warp and weave will be mended, or if not mended, at least made so as not to tear completely clean. I run a real danger of missing an opportunity of knowing my family heritage, as one by one the people who know die away. It’s my duty to at least try to carry on their story. They lived entire lives, and it would be a sad shame if all their work and all their experience just fades into oblivion.
Let the personal healing commence.

http://www.ifilm.com/ifilmdetail/2663486

I love that people are still attempting to speak truth to power. And it’s this sort of shit will continue to happen, from the sides where they don’t expect it. How dare they throw such an austentatious party while we have men and women losing their lives in Iraq. Not only is it in bad taste (let them eat cake), but it’s fiscally irresponsible. 40 Million dollars (not including security costs) could buy a hell of a lot of armor.

I’m not sure what it is, but I feel like I’m on the fringe of depression. It’s either depression, or it’s breakthrough. I’m not sure which. I’ve been withdrawn and introspective and I’ve also been centered and grounded, but tonight, for some reason, I feel a sadness. Earlier tonight Julie and I had a rough interaction, and that brought up a lot of things for me, like I haven’t been feeling very intimate lately, and I feel somehow distanced from my own life. I have a little baby coming in about a month, and maybe that’s making me dig inward. I have all this crap that is floating around me, all these obligations, and so much left unfinished. I’m feeling like I need to put this house in order, but I’m unable to reach out and get help. I’m feeling kinda alone in a strange way, but I also can see how I’m feeling at the same time, and I feel myself moving through it. Mostly, I think I’m afraid and I’m in need of connecting with Julie, but I’m having a hard time articulating it, or letting myself move into that space. My issues have always been with intimacy, and my defense mechanism is to shut off. So my fear makes me cold, distanced, some sort of efficiency machine. And of course, this is when Julie needs me the most. But admitting it is the first step, I suppose. In a sense, the depression I am starting to feel is a good sign — it means my emotional capacity is starting to reconnect. Tomorrow is a new day. I’ll make the most of it.

My eyes are barely staying open, so I’m going to make this short and quick. I had some of my best friends come over and hang out for ‘Full Moon’, or men’s group, that we used to do more regularly, but is something we haven’t carved the space out for in a long long time. We all reconnected, and shared a bit of what’s going on in our life — this group’s work is important, and something we have to reclaim. So, for this entire year I’ve got all the full moon times recorded, along with their ‘names’, and this will allow me to make regular party evites as the time grows nigh. Okay, I’m officially babbling now and falling asleep at the wheel, so it’s 1:41AM, I’m going backdate this thing, and save it.
Tomorrow I’ll tell you about staff attrition.

Evidently Eli has a girlfriend at school. Liza is her name, some cute little Swedish blonde-haired blue-eyed child that worships the earth he walks on. I have yet to meet this little beauty, but it warms my heart that Eli has found a bond with one of his peers. Of course, this is a fleeting fancy and he’ll end up marrying Iris or something, but hey, for the time being, this is damned cute. Eli has already proclaimed his intentions of marrying Liza, but we all know what a man will say to get a girl.
I so want pictures of them together.
Are Whoppers diet food?

I could write a long blog tonight, but really it’s too late and I’m too tired to be entertaining or meaningful. Check in tomorrow.

I’m not going to blog very long or very interesting tonight — It’s Julie’s birthday and we’re having a game-night party, and I’m gonna drink wine and play fun games. Talk to you tomorrow!