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Crossing the Chasm

So last Saturday I went down and had a conversation with my dad. We hadn’t spoken really for about six weeks, ever since I had this really awkward conversation or not really even a conversation, but more like a sharing of a few words with my father, after I had just gotten an earful from my mother about how shitty everything was going between her and my dad. I asked him how he was doing, and with the intent that he knew I was talking about him and mom, and his response was nonchalant and covering about how everything was ‘fine’. I knew he was lying to me, but instead of calling him on it, I just said ‘uh, okay. I have to go’, and hung up. Now, not everyone knows my dad, or you would get why I was so taken off guard. As a child, the number one ethic was honesty, and the number one sin was lying. It didn’t matter what you did, or what you might get in trouble about, if you lied about it beforehand, your punishment was always worse. Here’s this man who’s tried to sell me the ethic of truth, deceiving not only mother in the act of infidelity, but also me who clearly knows something’s up. So, I was a little bit miffed, to say the least. I found it very hard to talk to him, knowing there was this 800-pound gorilla in the middle of the room, and no one saying a thing about it. I couldn’t carry on a superficial conversation with my father, so I chose not to talk to him at all. My father, on the other hand was convinced (rightly) that I was angry with him, but his response to avoid contact with me, acting confused about why I would be angry at him in the first place. So both of us spent our cycles wondering what the other person was thinking, and neither of us crossing the chasm of ignorance and fear to try to work the issue out. As my Yoga teacher told me, I was having an emotional reaction and sending him the bill, without owning my own issues. So, I decided (it being Yom Kippur), that I would attempt some at-one-ment with my father. I drove down there, and walked around the neighborhood with him as I told him how I felt on the issues that were swimming around in my head. I allowed myself to feel the anger that I had been diffusing, and repressing for years, and in allowing myself to be angry, I also found compassion. I came to realize my dad isn’t all that different from me (in fact, we’re fairly identical), except I am moving along the path of evolution, and I feel he’s on the path of regression. Anyhow, we cleared the air, and at least I have said my piece without mincing my words, and he knows my intentions. Of course, yesterday my mom left a message on the machine saying something about ‘new evidence’ that my dad is still up to whatever he was up to before. Honestly, I just don’t want to be involved in that issue any more. I would love for my dad to be fully disclosing with me on this issue, but we came to a mutual agreement and understanding that this is between him and mom and it’s none of my business. And in trade for this, my dad won’t lie to me. We’ll see if he can keep up his part of the bargain. Honestly, I don’t know if he can, and well — what he does from here is up to him. I can only control my own actions and my own emotions, and I refused to get hooked. If I think he’s lied to me or mislead me, I’ll call him on it right then and there — no more harboring internal issues. I can’t do that anymore.
Anyhow, it’s 3:30 am, and I felt I needed to get a post up, because it’s been over a week. More to follow, but for now — I try to sleep.

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